Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Da Bottom of Da Map

I Bring it Back to da Bottom of Da Map- Mr.Weezy F. Baby

My blog will dis spell many popular stereotypes, myths and misinformation about the state in which I reside as well as day to day life and observations in Minnesota.
To start off this blog I will tell the thousands and thousands of blog readers inhabiting the Bloggerverse,My shortened and very embellished biography. Before I start having fun with Minnesota. I will have fun with my place of birth and child hood.
I am not a native of Minnesota and never imagined I would live here let alone pay taxes in my current home state. I have created a the title of "Southern Transplant" as a way of letting native Minnesotans know that I am outsider to their Mystical Northern Society (MNS). I was born in the south. But not the South as many people know it I explain in more detail later in the post. Louisiana was where I was born and raised and will always consider it my true home. As with many children born in the mid to late eighties. I was conceived at a cocaine fueled party.
History books leave out that the eighties were nothing but cocaine parties and DeLorean races.
The 1980's is pretty much summed up when Michael J. Fox had won an Oscar for his role in Teen Wolf. Fox's portrayal of a regular teen in Everytown USA that discovers his true inner self as a high school student. As he copes with pressures of the three P's all wolf teens face: Puberty, Public School and Popularity.

Fox takes his role as Scott Howard, a half teen, half werewolf, half basketball Letterman athlete to dizzying cinematic heights. Teen Wolf opened society's eyes to werewolf and slam dunk awareness worldwide.

The film taught us to embrace human wolf teen hybrids and the werewolf community and learn numerous life lessons. Such as: Werewolves can slam dunk a basketball from half court. Werewolves are just like the rest of us until a full moon in which they act more like their cousins dogs and Fraternity Brothers, howling, humping legs, destroying personal belongings and or local town villagers, urinating on numerous inanimate objects while in public, don't forget the hours and hours spent self inflicted crotch licking.

Although I have a super memory, some have known to say Super-Duper, I can't remember much of the eighties as I was in the beginning stages of life known as the "little human" stages. I can only remember certain things but have recently watched VH1's in depth documentary series "I love the 80's" I believe this series is possibly the most historically correct and in depth source of information on the 1980's.
Most of my fondest memories are from the consumer clad decade of the 1990's. Going to school in Louisiana during the 90's was an experience that not many people share. Yes, I am sure you all remember school and the 1990's. Going to Grade School in Louisiana comes with lessons students in other states just don't learn. As you might expect children in Louisiana where only overalls and no shoes. LA children have to learn about the approx 50,000 poisonous, dangerous, and life threatening animals that infest every inch of a state completely covered in swamps, slacked jawed yokels and other types of inhabitants of Louisiana.
After I single handed introduced the population to multi piece clothing and shoes my family relocated.
Before After

Tragically just before I could publish a research paper on how using millions of dollars would be best used for improving half century old levies instead of buying fancy fountains and light. We will never know how my paper or commonsense would have changed things. Here are the Official New Orleans City Budget Committee minutes regarding the use of commonsense
The City's Budget Committee meeting reads:
Councilman Deleted: I move to slam dunk the item "commonsense" off the table and into the trash can with one-handed mega Jam.
Councilwoman Deleted: I second.
Speaker: objections? Let the record show there are no objections.
-Speaker raps Gavel-
Speaker: The item "common sense" has been slam dunked into the trash can via the Approved One-handed Mega Jam.
The South can be broken down into several geographical locations. These are: Deep South, Ozarks, Texas, sspecific places in each of these Southern regions have achieved the coveted title of "Dirty South". As shown in my map of the south and these locations. I grew up in an area of the south that is Considered both "Deep" and "Dirty".
The Deep South has been a term used for the location of my birth state since I can remember. People often think that "Deep" refers to the geographical location of the part of the south close to the bottom border of the continental U.S. but this far from correct. Deep refers to the layers of humidity that one passes through when in The South. "Deep" being the most extreme form of humidity. One knows they are in the "Deep South" when they experience any of the following:
a) When leaving the protection of air conditioned building drenching sweat appears within a few seconds
b) Humidity so thick people use scuba tanks to breathe during summer months
c)15 min. rainstorms happen almost everyday at the same time
d)After swimming it is impossible to dry off
e) TV Meteorologists warn of the dreaded "HEAT INDEX"
f) Heat and Humidity so intense that human speech and all forms of life are drawn out and seem to almost stall and stop
(these are just a few, feel free to email or post any others)

Unlike the term "Deep", "Dirty" was created in the late 1990's. I think around '96 or '97 but am not totally sure. The first online dictionary that I found defines as followed:


1.soiled with dirt; foul; unclean:

2.spreading or imparting dirt; soiling:

3.vile; mean; sordid; contemptible

4.obscene; pornographic; lewd:

5.undesirable or unpleasant; thankless:

6.very unfortunate or regrettable:

7.not fair or sportsmanlike; unscrupulous:

8.hostile, insulting, contemptuous, or resentful:

9.(of a nuclear weapon) producing a relatively large amount of radioactive fallout.

10.(of the weather) stormy; squally:

11.Informal. obtained through illegal or disreputable means:

12.appearing as if soiled; dark-colored; dingy; murky.

13.Slang. using or in possession of narcotics.

–verb (used with object), verb (used without object)

14.to make or become dirty

The supreme title of Dirty as bestowed on certain portions of the south does not pertain to any of these definitions. I know that if a certain region wants to acquire the title of "Dirty" the prospective region must complete and submit an official "Doin it Dirty" membership application. This application then must be approved by the International Dirty South Representation Committee or simply known as the IDSRC. The Committee chooses applicants through the Dirty Dozen selection board comprised of regionally elected members.
I label Texas as it's own region inside the south because there is no other way to describe it. If you have ever been to Texas or know anyone who has visited or lived in the "Lone Star State" then you know what I am talking about. Texas has another motto "Don't Mess With Texas!" I am stating with the Bloggerverse as my witness, that I can see through your rough and tough exterior Texas, and I don't buy it one bit.